Best of luck, stay happy, and be you (those who disagree can simply get out). She was shitfaced when she admitted your sexuality, was pressured to mock your sexuality by her terrible friends, and she didn't actually mean to completely fucking demean you sexually. I told this to my then partner with all the trust in the world. She is the one that keeps bringing up your bisexuality to make herself look like the rise to her friends, so she's biphobic as fuck. If she cant trust herself to keep her mouth shut around her friends when drunk, then she shouldnt drink around her friends. Before my wife was with me she dated a man named Tom. If youre ever going to get past this, you should both be in therapy. People are too quick to run away from a marriage and give up when issues come up. Is she going to put them as well and claim she didnt mean it and that she was just drunk or gossiping? Then throw in this scenario that she was bisexual and the "boys" called her a "butch lesbian who doesn't really like dick.". Come on, you're not 19 anymore. We were having drinks and girl talk, about sex, etc.. well he didnt like a few things he heard and got upset. The only reason you know of this disrespect is because you accidentally heard them saying stuff behind your back? I'm not sure how to help you, but your wife needs better friends. My dad was bisexual and if I heard my mother saying shit like that about him Id be livid. We never fight. I had no privacy. Just remember she was crying because she was caught. OP, Ive never been in your shoes but I can empathize with flat out betrayal. Like it may have been rooted in some truth, but exaggerated and theatricated for like entertainment purposes. As Ive gotten older and talked/listened to more and more people, it definitely seems like most toxic masculinity stems from mens encounters with women they trusted, not other men. Hubby is under the bus & she's driving over him again & again unnecessarily! Very much agree with this person right here. So she outed you, and joked with friends about fantasizing about other men during sex because of your sexuality? Are those things outweighed by her indiscrete talking (and her judgemental friends). Best of luck. There are many things that could be said or done that are definite "break up" situations, but this is not one of them. Own who you are and youll feel so much better. For years. Stand firm in that it wasn't okay to disclose private information that you didn't want to be made public. There is nothing wrong with you. And had kids with you. Its just so cowardly and shows she's not on your team. Dont just accept her apology and move on. Book an appointment with a therapist, maybe meet up with the one friend who called you, and after a couple of days reassess whether or not you want to try to make things work. You were a running joke in your wife's friend group for two years. I believe you'll deal with this and adapt. I'm sorry you're going through this but your wife is such a shit person man. We must feel sadness and despair to know joy, as frustrating as that might seem. Give your best anyway. Don't minimize the situation and don't let anyone gaslight you into thinking you are overreacting or that this isn't divorce-level situation. Also, people who have satisfying sex lives dont talk about it, just like people who have actual wealth dont have to tell you). But she also initiates in the bedroom a lot, which means at least the main idea of her bullshit is false. That was 100% a choice on her part. I think the problem here is not your wife not loving you or your sex life -- it sounds like she loves you very much and enjoys y'all's sex life. Women get cold feet around marriage, but she decided to be with you. And as a low blow it is, it's an easy way out for a quick laugh among her judgemental friends. If you want to save your marriage and restore trust some sort of therapy is probably necessary. Don't fight. Your wife betrayed your trust, and knowingly let her friends make homophobic comments. Even if it was a close call, you dont say that. If Tom popped back into the picture at any point, Id have told my partner what happened. Be happy anyway. You seem like you are happy in your relationship (prior to this obviously) and wanting to find a way to work through this and I feel like a lot of counseling is the only way it could possibly happen. If I were OP, the answer to this would play a big part in how/whether I wanted to proceed in the relationship. Your wife said that she accidently let slip two years ago you were bi. Yeah, I'm a married woman. Dude, yeah. She sounds like she cares way too much about what these women think. She told him that he was drunk and that no she hadn't told me. Implying that OP's "flaw" as husband material is because he not 100% straight and slept with men is homophobic. At the very least there's some trust work that will need to be done to rebuild some things. You know what Im talking about Im sure. She betrayed your trust, and she makes fun of your sexuality to her friends? Including mutual friends that were homophobic and a girl who hated my guts (and my ex totally knew about those things). What drops it a full letter grade for me is that the protagonist is always an Abercrombie model. If it were me, I would let her know that she needs to consider how this would be handled if the roles were reversed. I will admit i dont tell my friends everything either, but if it comes up i wont join in and make fun of people who get made fun of for doing what i am into. Regardless, hilarious. I don't think this information should have been said. But she's obviously done it before - all her friends knew it was okay to discuss and laugh about while she joked about letting him do "gay" stuff while she fantasies about other men. Third, never fighting is surprisingly not a sign of a great marriage. Tuesday night we hosted a small gathering (all vaxxed) with some of our couple friends. Everyone doesnt wAnt an asshole who Your wife hates that you're bi. And sometimes its nice to vent about the small stuff and have close friends relate to you and help you feel youre not alone. At 31 years old! Try distancing yourselves from these particular friends / connections until self estern / acceptance issues are resolved. Its fucked up to add that to a conversation just to pile on and humiliate her own husband. Would she throw them under the bus too or try to forbid them from coming out? There was also probably some truth to her bedroom comments. I thanked him. "My. Id rather show my support. Thats some boomer logic about the sex binary of gay/straight. And also, alcohol intake needs to be curtailed. In that space is our power to choose our response. Maybe. Your wife was actively talking shit about you behind your back when she thought you werent listening. She should genuinely make amends for it and admit to your so called friends her hand in the situation! She and her group of mean girls clearly cant accept that. Good luck! Bruuh this is too much for me I'm 52 yrs old, veteran, communications workers close to company retirement, whatever you do just enjoy life. Frankly I would be more able to forgive infidelity than I would these kind of conversations. I'm not saying she will, I don't know her and can't make that call. So will she keep acting to her friends like she has a problem with it? You can always tell when they offer up explanations to any potential objections before they're asked. Ugh. OP can do better than Tom. Kidding aside. Sounds like she cares more about what her friends think than how you feel. Are you being a bit harsh? If you are honest, people may cheat you. Next time she will really consider how the way she's talking to her friends could make you feel. I learned that it is usually a sign of people not sharing everything, not saying that is your situation, but she violated your trust and didnt even give you the courtesy of giving you the heads up. This given that she initiates the sex games, and probably will never admit to friends that she enjoys them as a kink to keep the bedroom alive and hot. If you need more time to yourself, take it. What you say too each other is one thing but to the outside world your SO is the best cook lover protector whatever. She not only outed him, but this obviously wasn't the first time they've discussed this. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. I would DIE if my husband mocked me being bi like your wife did. They honestly seem jealous if they care that much about what you enjoy sexually. No shit. I'll be dammed if a single one of my friends said anything like that about my man. If its been a long time she maybe used to be that way but not anymore and still knows how to do the diggs they like. I mean i think you can talk it out?? You're married to the person who should MOST be on your side and she has completely betrayed you for a fucking laugh. Would she have ever stood up for you and put her friends in place? I am a closeted bi woman. So many unnecessary details. That's a MASSIVE breach of trust and decency, while you want to make it about him snooping? Youd always be thinking if you can trust them enough to give them certain information about yourself. I think that sometimes both men and women have a form of locker room talk with their friends about topics that maybe they arent entirely truthful about with their friends in order to make them feel better. So I would lean towards suggesting forgiving her and working on this. She destroyed your trust, and trust takes a long time to repair. I totally dont get why she would lie and say he begged for the gay stuff if she was wanting it. Would she still have the friends over knowing how they feel? But one thing I have realized is that you should be proud of who you are as a person, sexual preferences included. Maybe suggest that. That is a childish excuse, to blame alcohol for being a terrible friend and partner. She has been entertaining this for two years because she can't control her mouth when she's drinking. Dude, I am so sorry. Allow yourself to feel all of your emotions and really process them before jumping into heavy discussion with her. Especially the part where she acts like its a close call between you and Tom to her girlfriends. He said his wife told him what happened and he wanted to let me know he doesnt give a shit about me being bi and thinks the while situation is fucked. Gaslight, blameshifting, shamming, begging by the end and finally divorce. Shitty situation man. My 2 cents is not worth much, but why did she not feel the need to tell you when she realized she let it slip from the drunken night? Im so lost. Also, she doesn't like your sex life. Kids do the joking crap and make fun of boyfriends, not decent women. And if they give you a hard time, then fuck em! i think you do need to consider the idea that it probably was indeed just girl talk, same as when guys just chat shit together. Anything she says in the moment right now can't be trusted because she'll do or say whatever it takes to keep you. Take the space you need & honor your feelings. How you treat your relationship with your wife is up to you, but I would say to her that her friends are homophobic and need to never come by the house again. I am so sorry this has happened to you. But she enjoys to embarrass you to her friends behind your back about it. From what Ive been told by friends and family my wife and Tom had a hot and cold volatile relationship and he was not the best to her (cheating, controlling). Highlight the fact that obviously the buck didn't stop with her friends as at least one of their husbands know. Divorce may be an end result. This was really jarring. No, don't buy it. Those homophobes won't care that he's married to a woman. These ones sound terrible. If she does in fact really care about you - she will wait. This right here. Life works in a whelm of duality. Author Hazel McBride claimed that she's so "average-looking" that she feels uneasy around her more handsome husband in a now-viral TikTok. Go for a hike, go to a movie, whatever. Which is obviously shit because she's willing to throw you to the wolves, but not admit her fun time with you. Nope, don't buy it. It mattered not, the day was mine. Dude, she needs to recognize that her violation of your trust is incredibly bad. I knew I wasnt in a good state and ignored all of them. Even individual counseling as well, to help you understand your own feelings and what you want to do in this relationship. She said 'girls talk' and she has to have someone to talk to about stuff. Shes hurt you, she needs to stand by you and say that shes proud of you and supports you, has no doubts, and enjoys it herself. Well 1. You need to learn how to deal with being outed and your stupid wife needs to understand the true ramifications for you. For that reason I would agree that you guys should talk about, counseling, or like I said, you reconsidering the relationship. You are going to have to shrug this off but your not overacting. Try marriage counseling and perhaps moving away for a new start. What she did was just bottom of the barrel type of shit. I dont get real emotional or worked up over things.but I felt rage for the first time in a long time. You can't unhear it and if you don't bring it up, your resentment will grow and your self-esteem. So no being friends with intolerant halfwits, and no more alcohol. he was more "passionate" etc. You poor man, I so want to give you a hug. One of my wifes friends was fairly insistent about her divorcing me but honestly it came from a genuine place, its a weird situation and if you cant see how happy we are, I cant blame you for not getting it. Its just another role, like being the dutiful daughter or the waste of space ex or the everyone loves me co-worker. I'm sorry. we're both 28. Remind her of this without judging. I think forcing her to go no contact with certain friends is crossing a line in a relationship that can never be repaired. I understand you were angry and not thinking straight, but that is besides the point. To me this is an unfortunate situation one you would never have known about but for some low key curious snooping and snooping isn't meant as you were being a sneaky individual just a situation happened and you were part off it. She criticized him and tried to get me to break up with him. Dont just move on forget, learn from it. Chin up man. Theres people that will truly respect you and love you the right way. And can think clearly. Another violation of your trust. This opens up two main issues, and a third tangential one, as follows: In the first scenario: She crossed a boundary and (un)consiously violated your trust. She said she really felt bad when she realized she outed you, but I mean how sorry is she really if here she is bringing it up AGAIN? She feels bad for being caught. If my friends talked about my SO like that I would be livid and we wouldnt be friends anymore. All the sudden I didnt know my wife. You heard the truth when she was talking to her friends, about your private life, without your knowledge. When they reacted a little judgy then she may have backpeddled a bit. Your wife needs some new friends. Humanity is an ocean. I agree with this comment as a bi person! Best to you. I am so pissed off on OP's behalf. Unless they're all like that and she's just throwing a couple out for a meat shield, like she did with you. you need to think long and hard about if you think you can ever trust her again. There is nothing worse than feeling betrayed by the one person you thought you could trust with anything. I would never be able to sleep with my wife again but OP might be better than me. I could only imagine how crap you feel right now. If it was an accident, she should have come clean when it happened. Wife: (my name) I dunno what your heard but its not what, Me: (wifes name) I know exactly what I heard.. I will say at least you dumped the shit on the table straight away and didn't try to eat it by yourself. This was betrayal. First of all, you're right to cool down before making decision on anything. At the end of the day hets are gonna het, I'm really sorry man. She sounds sorry and your marriage is great, so maybe dont listen too carefully to all the people telling you to get a divorce. It won't repair the damage that's been done. So here is a truth I don't think many men/women/etc get: SO's talk. I am not straight, nor am I gay. Your life, you know the relationship better than us, but this is plenty to break a marriage. ", I doubt he cares about that, its mostly that his wife was saying all of those things behind his back but she acts like she likes it to him. Also, she could have been honest and told him what happened at the bachelor party, but instead she kept it a secret. And if it was an accident, why did she give them details about what kinks you have?
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